I opened my eyes, and felt nothing but pain. Excruciating pain. At first, I couldn’t see anything, and I started to panic. (What happened?) I thought. I couldn’t remember anything. Finally my eyes starting focusing, & as soon as they did, everything came flooding back to me. Dad & I were driving home from dance, when a large SUV came into our lane, last minute, & slammed us head-on. I started scanning the area I was in, when I realized I was no longer in my dad’s black Kia Sentra, but laying face-first on the road, and I couldn’t move. Suddenly I saw bright blue & red flashing lights, and heard a loud siren coming towards me, a couple of men came running towards me, screaming if I was okay. Words wouldn’t come, but they heard me gasping for them. All of a sudden there were people all around me, trying to get me to respond. I couldn’t make out the words they were saying, but I knew they were putting me on a stretcher, and the last thing I remember before blacking out was them shutting two loud doors behind me.
I woke up gasping for air in a cold-sweat, when I realized I was in Ryan’s bed, and it was 5 in the morning. When reality finally sank in, I began sobbing uncontrollably. This had happened to me nearly every night after the wreck, which was over 2 years ago. The wreck which caused me to have surgery on my lower back, and my ankle, the wreck which killed my dad, the wreck that destroyed every bit of my happiness, the wreck that tore my family apart.
Before I realized it, Ryan was awake and rocking me back & forth, stroking my hair, & calmly telling me how much he loved me, & that it was going to be okay.
‘Ryan, I miss him so much..’ I sobbed out into his chest.
‘Raylie, baby, I know, let it all out baby sister, I’ve got you, I won’t let you go’ Ryan was the most-caring older brother ever. He let me live with him, after mom got so depressed that she turned away from her kids, and turned to drugs & alcohol. He sacrificed a lot for me, and I couldn’t even let him have one full night of sleep, as far as I was concerned I was the worst little sister ever.
I cried into his chest for what felt like hours, but I must have fallen asleep, because before I knew it, I was waking up to the alarm clock. Ryan was still awake, because he came into the room to turn it off. It was 7 a.m which meant I had to yet again face another torturous, painful day, without my daddy or my mom.
‘Raylie, Sis, I need to know that you’re gonna eventually be okay, I know you tell me that with time you’ll heal, but baby it’s been 2 years & I think you’re worse off now than ever before.’ Ryan sounded like he was fixing to break down himself, and cry. I hated knowing I worried him so much.
‘Ryan, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t keep the night from replaying in my mind, I don’t wanna think about it or dream about it anymore, but I can’t make it stop, It haunts me, every second of everyday, bubba please don’t give up on me, please don’t leave me.’ My biggest fear in life was that Ryan was going to leave me. My dad left me, then a couple months my mom left me, and Ryan was all I had left. I know my dad never meant to leave me, but It still hurt. My mom didn’t mean to leave me either, but she was in a worse pain than I was, and she just couldn’t handle it anymore. Although I knew Ryan would never leave me, the fear nagged me all the time.
‘Oh my sweet girl, Ray, you are my everything, my whole entire world, I will never ever leave you baby.. I set up an appointment today with a therapist for today at 5 p.m, I know you don’t think you need to see one, but you do, this is not normal, and I’m very scared.’ Great, a freaking therapist, I had officially become mentally insane.. Fabulous.
‘Ryan, please don’t make me go, I’ll try harder to erase the memory, please. They’ll put me in an Insane Hospital for sure, I can’t go there, please bubba, please’ I was going to start crying again.. I didn’t want to, but I just couldn’t go to an insane hospital. I couldn’t
‘Raylie, you’re going, nothing you say is going to change my mind. I will let them know at the beginning of the appointment, that hospitals are out of the question, because I don’t want you at one either. I just want some professional advice. So, today after school, you & I are going to the appointment, if I have to drag you into the office, I will.’ Ryan said in a tone of voice that told me not to argue with him, and just do as I was told.
I nodded, and he told me to get up, and get ready for school. School. Fan-freaking-tastic. If you ever want to take a trip to hell, Cresson Day School was the place for you. An all-girl private high school. &the uniform was so bland, it made me even more depressed wearing it. Dreading the day, I got in the shower, put my clothes on, and trudged down-stairs to Ryan’s kitchen wear I didn’t want to eat, but was going to be forced to.
‘Ryan, I’m not hungry today, please don’t make me eat, my stomach hurts.’ I knew that my excuse wasn’t going to work, but I went for it anyways.
‘Raylie, we’ve talked about this, you have to eat.’ Another failed attempt at getting out of breakfast.
We didn’t talk much during breakfast. I made a small attempt at convincing him to let me drive my car to school, but he said, as always, that it wasn’t safe for me in the state of mind I was in, (Since I couldn’t control my flashbacks) So we quietly drove to school, and I kept praying that maybe he would change his mind about the therapist.
The day at school was extremely uneventful, it was just another day at Cresson Day. All to quickly the last bell of the day rang, and I groaned as I headed out to Ryan’s car, I just knew he hadn’t changed his mind about going to the therapist, after all he is Ryan Anderson, and when he sets his mind on something, he goes through with it.. Just my luck.
‘How was your day, Ray?’ I don’t know why he always asked me that, my day sucked, just like the day before that, and the day before that.. Because nothing ever freaking changes.
‘What do you think?’ That actually came out a bit ruder than I had planned.
‘Raylie, don’t be getting an attitude, I just hope maybe you’ll have a good day someday, that’s all’ He quietly said, and I instantly felt bad for being rude.
It was about a 45 minute drive to the appointment, and we didn’t say much at all, &when we pulled into a parking spot, I wished that the drive hadn’t ended so quickly. I stalled in my seat for as long as I could before Ryan said
‘Raylie, get out of the car, please don’t make me drag you in, because you & I both know that I will.’ Ughhhh! Here he goes again using that ‘Stern’ voice, that made me fear him. So I did as he said, and got out of the car. I glanced at the brick building, it honestly didn’t look that bad, but you know what they say, ‘Never judge a book by its cover’, I figured it was still going to suck.
The front office wasn’t all that terrible either, just had some chairs, a couple coffee tables, and an all-too friendly front desk lady.
‘Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?’ Creepy voice to go along with her creepy smile.
‘Great, we have an appointment with Sarah Brimer at 5.’ Ryan politely told her.
‘Okay, have a seat and I’ll let her know you’re here.’ More creepy smiles.
Before Ryan & I could even find a seat, a lady came in, wearing a smile, not as creepy as the front-desk lady, but all the happiness in this place was creeping me out.
‘You must be Mr. Anderson! &This must be Raylie, welcome!’ If these people didn’t turn the happiness down a notch, I was probably going to have stroke.
We all followed her to her office, which also wasn’t so bad, and I was extremely glad Ryan went in with me, he could do all the talking.
‘So, Raylie, tell me about yourself.’ Well now I’m definitely feeling insecure, as I hate talking about myself. So, I sat there staring at Ryan, hoping he would break the awkward silence. When he didn’t, I decided I should probably say something.
‘Well, uhm, my name’s Raylie?’ I told you, I’m not very good at talking about myself.
‘Well Raylie telling me your name is a start, how old are you?’ She officially turned the creepy happiness down.
‘I’m 16’ Short and sweet, I told myself.
‘&You’re a junior? At Cresson?’ How the hell did she know that? Creepiness just went back up.
This question and answer shin-dig went on for the next hour, and boy did this lady have a lot of questions, I was extremely grateful when the hour was up, and I basically sprinted too Ryan’s car.
The car ride home was actually a bit quiet, I could tell that Ryan was in his thinking mode, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to interrupt him. The rest of the evening was as uneventful as the car ride home. That night I kept wondering to myself, when I was going to finally get better, I had to eventually right?
The next couple of weeks things starting too look up, I wasn’t have the flashback very often anymore, & Ryan finally let me drive my car, and I got comfortable enough to sleep in my own bed, and I even started hanging out with my friends again. Ryan was thrilled with the progress, but what he didn’t know was that I had turned to drinking, and was well on my way to being addicted to Ecstasy. But, what Ryan doesn’t know won’t kill him, right?
Now, I’m not that smart when it comes to hiding things, & I proved it big time, when I hid my ecstasy stash in my night-stand drawer, where my prescription medicine was, & Ryan needed the date so he could refill them. Needless to say he wasn’t exactly a happy camper when he found my ‘not-so-legal’ medicine.
I knew I was in major trouble when I walked into my room, and saw Ryan sitting there holding the little bag of pills, with a mixed look of disgust, anger, & pain on his face. My stomach immediately dropped when I came across this.
‘Raylie, I am speechless right now.. Ecstasy? Are you kidding me right now? Word’s cannot express how disappointed in you I am.. After mom leaving us, for DRUGS?’ Ryan sounded so hurt, but so angry at the same time.
‘Ryan, it makes me feel better, it makes the nightmare’s stop, isn’t that what you wanted? For me to finally feel better?’ I don’ know where I got the idea to basically blame him, but it was a bad idea, since he jumped up from my bed, and grabbed me by the shoulders.
‘Raylie.. I would NEVER want you to do drugs, there are safer, healthier, LEGAL things’ He was very upset now.. Way to go Raylie.
I didn’t have anything left to say, so I just lowered my head, and just as I did so, Ryan grabbed my arm & walked me over to my bed where he sat down, and started to pull me across his lap, when I realized what he was doing, I immediately pulled away from him.
‘Ryan!! You can’t do this, you’re my brother!’ I was near tears now.
‘Raylie, stop resisting, it will only be worse on you.. Now get over my lap.’ He sure knew how to use that stern voice of his. Even though I didn’t want to I decided to comply with him, and I laid myself across his lap. At this point, I was so nervous, I couldn’t do anything but breathe, and I was actually having trouble with that, Ryan had spanked me a couple of times before, but I hadn’t done anything this bad before, and honestly I was scared for my life at that moment.
The first smack caught me off guard, and it was a lot harder than I ever remember, I guess big bro wasn’t holding back at all.
He got a nice pattern going, or should I say ‘Painful’ pattern, he was spanking so hard, that each one knocked the breathe out of me, & before I knew it, the pain was completely unbearable, and I starting struggling, he tightened his grip around my waist but I just tried harder.
‘RAYLIE!!!!! STOP!’ Ryan had never yelled at me like that before. I tried my hardest to just take the punishment, but it hurt so bad, & before I knew it, I was reaching back to block him from spanking me. My effort’s were useless, because he just grabbed my wrist, and pinned it against my back.
Suddenly I could feel him sliding my volleyball shorts down, and I began crying freely. It had hurt so bad with my shorts (But they’re spandex, it’s not like it’s much protection) I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to take it. I jammed my eye’s shut and waited for the first spank, and when it didn’t come immediately, I opened my eyes, and that’s when he gave me the first one, and he was no longer using his hand. I used all of my strength, and managed to halfway roll myself off his lap, but his reflexes are faster than mine, and he rolled me back into position.
‘Raylie.. You are only making it worse on yourself, you may as well stop fighting with me, because we can stay in this position all night if that’s what it takes, little one.’ & With that he spread his knees, and put his right leg over the back off my legs. I felt so helpless, embarrassed, and little in this position.
All of a sudden the tears started flowing freely from my eyes, and I lost all my will to fight with my brother. I don’t know what broke inside me, but I finally just broke, and I laid there and just took the spanking.
My brother stopped spanking me, moment’s after I broke, he was just waiting for me to break. I could feel him rubbing my back, and whispering encouraging words, and I just laid there, a sobbing wreck. We stayed like that for about ten minutes, when he lifted me up, and turned me to look at him.
‘Ray, I love you, so much baby girl. You mean everything to me, but you won’t do drugs.. EVER. I won’t let you end up like mom. &I will spank you every single day to make sure of it.’ How could I hurt my brother so much, he was here for me, when nobody else was.
‘I’m sorry Ryan, I love you.. I’m so sorry brother.’ I just sobbed the words out, and he captured me in a hug, that lasted for the longest time.
I’m a pretty lucky girl, I have the greatest older brother, that God ever gave anybody. :)