It was 3:14 A.M and I was, of course, completely trashed, and I needed somewhere to go. Going home wasn’t an option, because my drug addict, emotionally abusive, failure-as-a-mom was there, and I avoided her whenever possible. It’s not like she would care that I was drunk, I just didn’t want to see her. I couldn’t stay where I was, because there was some sketchy guys everywhere and I honestly wasn’t up for getting raped, so that left me one choice.. Brack’s house. If I was in my right-mind I would know to NEVER go to Brack’s while drunk, because he would in fact, murder me, but I was drunk, and convinced myself that he would never know I was drunk, so problem solved… NOT.
Grabbing my purse, I fumbled around for my keys, and starting giving myself a pep-talk. It wasn’t the first time I’d driven while intoxicated (Not that Brack knew about those times), but still the risk of getting pulled-over, getting a huge fine, going to jail, or worse, Brack finding out, was HUGE. I knew I could make it to Brack’s no problem, it was only about a 5 minute drive, and the speed limit was 35, piece of cake… hopefully.
Starting my car off, and pulling away from the curb, I realized just how drunk I really was, but I had to get to Brack’s even if he was going to kill me. I would be safe there. After cruising along for a few minutes, I saw Brack’s red brick house, and felt a wave of relief. I pulled my Nissan up next to his truck, and got out of my car, again, I realized just how drunk I was, because gravity took over from there, and I hit the ground hard, knocking flower pots, and a lawn chair over. Everything must have crashed against the ground louder than I thought because the next thing I knew Brack was running out the side door with a baseball bat, until he realized it was just me.
‘Alli, what in the world are you doing?’ He sounded relieved, but confused too see me.
‘My mom is at home, I couldn’t go there.’ I stuttered on my words, and I could tell he knew I had been drinking.
‘You’re drunk aren’t you?’ Now he was sounding extremely angry with me.
‘I’m not drunk, I didn’t drink that much.’ I’m an idiot, he could obviously tell I was wasted, and the fact that I tried to walk towards him, and fell over again, probably just proved my point. Of course Brack caught me, and said:
‘Yep, you’re not drunk at all, You’re completely wasted, and you drove here.. Words can’t even explain how angry I am right now.’ He sounded a little more than angry, more like furious.
‘I’m sorry, Brack, I won’t do it ever again.’ I decided to start pleading for mercy now.. Not like It would do any good.
‘Let’s just go to bed.’ He sounded like he was trying so hard not to yell at me. He helped me walk to his room, where he tucked me into one side of the bed, and he go into the other side. The last thing I remember him saying before I passed completely out:
‘You’re in SO much trouble.’ Yikes.
I felt like somebody had ran over me with a bulldozer when I woke up the next morning, err afternoon. My head was pounding, I had cuts & a couple of bruises, and my stomach told me I better not eat or I was going to throw up. I sat up in Brack’s bed, & saw that it was 1:15 in the afternoon, and Brack walked in.
‘How ya feeling?’ He honestly didn’t sound like he cared what I felt like, he was obviously still pissed at me.
‘Like a bulldozer hit me.’ Even speaking hurt.
‘I imagine so, you were so drunk last night, honestly Alli, how many times do we have to do this?’ Oh no, I could sense a lecture coming on.
‘Do what?’ I knew exactly what he was talking about, I was just stalling.
‘You know exactly what I’m talking about, I’m sick of having this talk about drinking with you.’ ‘talking’ yeah, because that’s what we do.
‘&obviously I’m not getting through to you, because this time you decided to drink & then drive!’ Brack was getting really mad now, but who could blame him? Sure as hell not me.
‘I didn’t have another choice!! If I stayed I was going to get raped, Brack!’ I honestly had no right to start yelling at him.
‘Alli, don’t yell. You always have another choice, you could’ve CALLED me, I would’ve came, and picked you up, I would never leave you in a bad situation, and you know that.’ I was starting to feel extremely guilty.
‘Brack, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you would come get me.’ I wanted so badly to start crying.
He said nothing more, just motioned for me to follow him downstairs to the living room, I followed him, and a huge knot started forming in my stomach.
He walked straight for the couch, where he sat down & looked me deep in the eyes.
‘Alli, I’m going to make sure this is the last time we have this conversation, I’m going to get through to once & for all. So pull down your shorts, & get over my lap.’ My heart stopped beating once he at least sealed my fate.
I honestly wanted to resist, but I knew I deserved a spanking, even though I didn’t want one at all, so I just did as I was told.
‘Good girl.’ He was surprised that I didn’t fight with him, because I always resist or whine.
My stomach dropped when he grabbed the waist-band of my underwear, and slid them down.
‘No, Brack, please keep them up.’ I began whining.
‘Yes Alli, this is what I have to do to get through to you, so I’m doing it.’ He was right.
All of sudden he slapped his hand down hard, and began raining down fury on me. I honestly didn’t know he could spank so hard, & I could tell he was using all of his might. I was fighting the urge to put my hand back, and block the smacks, but the pain kept getting worse, and my reflexes finally won, and I reached my hand back only to have it swatted away:
‘No, ma’am, you know better than to reach back.’ I put my hand back down, even though I knew I would be reaching back in a few moments, because sometimes you just can’t control your reflexes.
He spanked the hell out of me for another few minutes before my reflexes out-witted me again, only this time he captured my wrist, pinned it to my back, & smacked the back of my thigh extra hard:
‘Don’t reach back again, young lady.’ I hated when he called me ‘Young Lady’ It made me feel so little.
After another 5 minutes or so, I finally started crying, up until this point I had been ‘Dry’ crying. But, now I was starting to freely cry because the spanking hurt, but also because I hurt & disappointed the most important person in my life.
He stopped spanking me, and lifted me up, I immediately reached back to rub the fire out but caught my hands:
‘No Alli, we’re not done.. Lean over the arm of the couch.’ After that he started to take his belt off, which caused me to panic, I started backing away, shaking my head, and stuttering words nobody would understand. Reaching out, and grabbing my arm he said:
‘Alli, You can’t honestly say you don’t deserve this? Can you? You know you mean EVERYTHING to me, but what you did was STUPID & RECKLESS, you could have easily killed yourself or somebody else, I won’t have you drinking & driving ever again, in fact, you won’t be drinking anymore, at all. I will not tolerate it anymore.. Understand?’
‘Yes, Brack, I’m sorry..’ I honestly didn’t have it in me to fight with him, I felt so horrible at this point, that I just wanted to hurry up & get it over with.
‘Alli, bend over the couch, you’re only getting 12 with the belt, &then it will all be over.’ Only 12 huh? Doesn’t sound like a lot when you’re not the one getting spanked. I just did as I was told, and braced myself for the first blow.. &Boy did it surprise me. It hurt a lot more than I remember, & I jumped up a little bit, but Brack just pushed me back into position.
He delivered another 4, when I hit my breaking point. There I was a 16 year old sobbing wreck, getting spanked by her best friend. He delivered the next 7 as quickly as he could because he wanted this to be over as badly as I did. But, I was such an emotional mess, I didn’t even realize he was finished until I was falling into his arms.
‘Allison Faith Ackerd, I honestly hope you know how much I love you, and how much you mean to me, you’re not just my best friend but you are like my baby sister. It would kill me if anything ever happened to you because you made a made choice, I don’t enjoy spanking you at all, but I will not hesitate to spank you again if I have to but, please Alli, don’t make me.’ I could tell he was either crying himself, or was very close to tears.
‘I’m so sorry Brack, please don’t give up on me, I’ll try harder I promise, I love you, you are my big brother, & my best friend.’ He truly was my brother, and the only person in the world who had any love for me. Yet, I still managed to disappoint him so often.
We didn’t say anything after that just stayed hugging for the longest time, I was one lucky girl to have such an amazing best friend, excuse me, big brother.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Breason's Life: Lesson Finally Learned
It was actually a bit ridiculous how many times I found myself over Tanner’s knee. Yes, Tanner, my best friend of 13 years. I don’t know why, but I always found a way to completely rebel against what he told me, &Of course he always had a way of dealing with it. And I usually was never to fond of the his way of dealing with me.
It was April nearing the end of my sophomore year, finals we’re approaching, and I was stressed out to no-extent. I was walking to my car one afternoon, when I remember how I used to deal with stress.. Cigarettes.. I would smoke a couple to help me calm down, focus, and sleep, I knew deep down that it was a very bad idea, I knew that if Tanner found out, he would blow a gasket. But, of course being Braeson, I ended up talking myself into calling my friend Brecklynn, and ask her to buy me the cigarettes.
She picked up on the first ring.
‘Hey Brae, What’s up?’ Brecklynn sounded extra cheerful today, of course being captain of the Varsity cheer squad, volleyball team & track team, she was a pretty ‘Spirited’ person
‘Hey Brecklynn, Uhm I was wondering if you could maybe meet me at the QT, I need some cigarettes.’ I was so nervous thinking about it, I kept hearing Tanner’s voice in my head, telling me what he told me the last time he caught me with cigarettes.. ‘I’ll spank you until you can’t sit down for a month’
‘Of course! Meet me there in 5, okay?’ Brecklynn always was willing to get cigarettes for me, ever since we were on the volleyball team for 6years together.
‘Thank you, see you in a minute’ So Tanner’s warning’s were obviously not having any effect on me.
I drove quickly to the QT we’re I saw Brecklynn’s electric blue mustang parked at the side door. I pulled my little Ford Focus up in the next spot. I pulled out my wallet & when I opened it, I automatically saw the picture of Tanner & I from his graduation in ‘09 & Immediately my heart stopped, and I almost didn’t hand Brecklynn the $5 bill to get my cigarettes, but with a little push, I re-convinced myself to get the cigarettes, & promised myself that Tanner would never ever have to know, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, but if he finds out, I’ll be the one hurting.. I pushed that thought out of my mind.
Brecklynn finally came out of the Gas station with my pack of Marlboro 27’s, we said our goodbye’s & started my drive home. I knew Tanner would be at my house waiting to do homework with me (We are really close) &I decided to just put the cigarettes in my glove box. I smoked one cigarette on my drive home, & once I pulled into my driveway, sprayed half a bottle of perfume all over the car & me, popped some gum in my mouth, grabbed my bag, and walked in the house.
Tanner was already in the living room watching TV when I slammed the door shut, and went to the kitchen to get a snack. I normally went directly to him to say hi, but I was shaking with nerves, and didn’t think I could face him quite yet. Of course he could tell something was wrong, he’s been my best friend since I was 3 years old, DUH he always knew when I was nervous, & trying to avoid him.
‘So Brae, what’s up?’ He tried to act like he was casually asking what was up, but I could tell he meant ‘What did you do this time’
Still avoiding having to look at him I kept my eyes on the juice I was pouring ‘Nothing really, just have loads of studying to do for my finals, volleyball tryout’s next week, just stressing the hell out, like usual, you?’ Did I mention I’m horrible about acting like nothing was wrong?
‘Brae, you need to calm down, your English final is 2weeks away, &You already have the spot on the volleyball team, it’s been your’s for 2 years now, I say we have a fun night tonight.. MOVIES & PIZZA!!!!!’ Boys. All they ever want is food.
‘That sounds great, but I get to pick the movie!!’ I decided a pizza-movie night was exactly what I needed to de-stress.
Anyways, a couple weeks had gone by, & I only smoked about 10 of the cigarettes in the pack, I had totally forgotten the pack was in my car when I let Tanner borrow my car to run to the store one night.. &when he came back, let’s just say he wasn’t too thrilled.
‘Braeson!!!!!!!!!!!!’ Tanner called my name sternly, at first I was trying to figure out what I had done, when I dawned on me where my pack of cigarettes were, & so was my gas card, and I knew he was putting gas in my car.. All of sudden I felt extremely nauseous. I slowly walked out of the laundry room where I was folding clothes, to a very unhappy looking Tanner, who was of course, holding a pack of Marlboro 27’s.
‘Care to explain why I found these in your car Braeson?’ He was being extremely calm, but that’s just Tanner, no matter how upset he is with me, he always keeps his cool.
‘Tanner, you wouldn’t understand, I was so stressed out, & I didn’t know what else to do!’ My voice was cracking and I was on the verge of tears, not only because I knew what was going to happen, but also because I hated to disappoint Tanner.
‘There are different ways of relieving your stress, you should’ve come to me, and I would’ve helped you, but instead you went behind my back, COMPLETELY disobeyed me, and smoked cigarettes.. Don’t you remember what I told you about if I found out you were smoking again?’ A huge knot was now forming in the pit of my stomach, & I was extremely nervous.
After a couple moments of silence, I slowly nodded my head, I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I didn’t want to even think about it.
‘What did I tell you about it?’ He would ask that, wouldn’t he?
When a few moments passed, and I didn’t answer he loudly said ‘Answer me Braeson Joy.’
‘You said If you ever found out about me smoking again, you would spank me until I can’t sit down for a month’ I solemnly said
‘Glad to see you’re memory is working now, If only you would have remembered that before you bought the cigarettes, sure would’ve made life a lot easier right now,’ he sure knew how to make me feel bad. I just stared at the floor, feeling extremely guilty now, & regretting ever buying those damn cigarettes.
He finally walked over to me, grabbed my arm, and walked me over to the sofa where he sat down in the middle, and then started un-doing my jeans, and that’s when my natural ‘Bratness’ kicked in.
‘No Tanner, please don’t pull them down!’ I was pulling away from him, but he was too strong. He had every muscle flexed in his arm as he held onto my arm, so I wouldn’t run off.
‘Braeson, stop fighting, You are only going to make it worse on yourself!’ Of course being myself, I didn’t listen & I kept fighting him. At this point I was struggling with my whole little 100 pound body, while in the long run I was no match for Tanner, I sure was putting up a good fight, at least I thought.
‘BRAESON! STOP IT NOW!’ He had never yelled like that at me before, & That’s when I knew he meant business, I stopped struggling, & let him proceed to pull down my jeans. I had found myself in this position more times than I would like to admit, but every time I stood there in front of my best friend who was 4 years older than me, in my panties, with jeans around my ankles, I always felt so little, so young. I hated the feeling. Tanner then guided me across his lap & rested his palm on my bottom.
‘Braeson, I’m going to make sure this is the lasttime I have to have this conversation with you, because I’m SICK of it. This is the 3rd time I’ve had to spank you for smoking, & you know I will not tolerate it. You will not smoke another cigarette, ever again.’ The knot in my stomach was huge & there was now a huge lump in my throat as well, I knew It wouldn’t be long before I was bawling like a baby.
‘Okay, I won’t, I’m sorry, I’ll never ever do it again, I promise Tanner, you don’t have to spank me, I won’t ever do it again, pleaseeeeeeeeee.’ I knew no matter how much I begged him not to spank me, it wouldn’t matter, once he made up his mind, he was set.
‘Yes, I do have to spank you, it’s the only way to show you that I mean business, & you can beg & whine all you want, but you are getting the spanking of your life’ With that statement my heart dropped.
He quickly started raining down a fire on my bottom, & as I predicted the tears were flowing quickly after the first spank. With every spank, the fire on my bottom got more intense, and finally I decided I wouldn’t be able to take anymore, at that point he decided to lower my panties, & I knew I still had a long ways to go in this position. Tanner didn’t say anything besides for me to ‘Move my hands’ or ‘Stop squirming’ the only sound was him spanking me for eternity, and my useless cries & pleas for mercy.
After what felt like years he stopped, and stood me up. At first I thought we were done, but when he leaned me over the arm of the sofa, and started to take his belt off, I cried harder than I’d ever cried before, I was attempting to beg him not to spank me with the belt, but I was crying so hard that the words weren’t coming out.
‘Braeson, I love you so much, you’re my BESTFRIEND, my SISTER, my whole entire world, & I am so disappointed that you would smoke cigarettes, & go behind my back and disobey me.. I’m going to give you 10 spanks with the belt, because there were 10 cigarettes gone, keep your hands back, for every time you put your hands back, I’ll add one spank. Please make this simple Brae.’ With that he let the first lash go. He had only spanked me with a belt once before, but it was over my jeans, & I had never expected it to hurt so bad on bare skin. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to keep my hands back, but somehow I managed too. Spank after spank went by, when finally tanner was scooping me up into his arms, and we both fell onto the sofa together, I sat in his lap(Uncomfortably) and he stroked my hair, and let me cry into his chest.
‘I love you so much Braeson, please don’t ruin your life with stupid stuff’ He was begging me.
‘I’m sorry Tanner, I’ll never do it again, I promise..’ I was genuinely sorry, and I knew I would never do it again.
‘Good girl, but If you do, this spanking will seem like a walk in the park compared to what I give you, I hope you take this warning this time, little sister.’ I always got all bubbly inside when he called me his little sister, it was honestly the best feeling ever. I never smoked another cigarette after this, NO HONESTLY, I’m telling the truth here! But, I did find myself over Tanner’s knee more times, but those are for different stories ;)
The Tales of Raylie: The Best Big Brother
I opened my eyes, and felt nothing but pain. Excruciating pain. At first, I couldn’t see anything, and I started to panic. (What happened?) I thought. I couldn’t remember anything. Finally my eyes starting focusing, & as soon as they did, everything came flooding back to me. Dad & I were driving home from dance, when a large SUV came into our lane, last minute, & slammed us head-on. I started scanning the area I was in, when I realized I was no longer in my dad’s black Kia Sentra, but laying face-first on the road, and I couldn’t move. Suddenly I saw bright blue & red flashing lights, and heard a loud siren coming towards me, a couple of men came running towards me, screaming if I was okay. Words wouldn’t come, but they heard me gasping for them. All of a sudden there were people all around me, trying to get me to respond. I couldn’t make out the words they were saying, but I knew they were putting me on a stretcher, and the last thing I remember before blacking out was them shutting two loud doors behind me.
I woke up gasping for air in a cold-sweat, when I realized I was in Ryan’s bed, and it was 5 in the morning. When reality finally sank in, I began sobbing uncontrollably. This had happened to me nearly every night after the wreck, which was over 2 years ago. The wreck which caused me to have surgery on my lower back, and my ankle, the wreck which killed my dad, the wreck that destroyed every bit of my happiness, the wreck that tore my family apart.
Before I realized it, Ryan was awake and rocking me back & forth, stroking my hair, & calmly telling me how much he loved me, & that it was going to be okay.
‘Ryan, I miss him so much..’ I sobbed out into his chest.
‘Raylie, baby, I know, let it all out baby sister, I’ve got you, I won’t let you go’ Ryan was the most-caring older brother ever. He let me live with him, after mom got so depressed that she turned away from her kids, and turned to drugs & alcohol. He sacrificed a lot for me, and I couldn’t even let him have one full night of sleep, as far as I was concerned I was the worst little sister ever.
I cried into his chest for what felt like hours, but I must have fallen asleep, because before I knew it, I was waking up to the alarm clock. Ryan was still awake, because he came into the room to turn it off. It was 7 a.m which meant I had to yet again face another torturous, painful day, without my daddy or my mom.
‘Raylie, Sis, I need to know that you’re gonna eventually be okay, I know you tell me that with time you’ll heal, but baby it’s been 2 years & I think you’re worse off now than ever before.’ Ryan sounded like he was fixing to break down himself, and cry. I hated knowing I worried him so much.
‘Ryan, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t keep the night from replaying in my mind, I don’t wanna think about it or dream about it anymore, but I can’t make it stop, It haunts me, every second of everyday, bubba please don’t give up on me, please don’t leave me.’ My biggest fear in life was that Ryan was going to leave me. My dad left me, then a couple months my mom left me, and Ryan was all I had left. I know my dad never meant to leave me, but It still hurt. My mom didn’t mean to leave me either, but she was in a worse pain than I was, and she just couldn’t handle it anymore. Although I knew Ryan would never leave me, the fear nagged me all the time.
‘Oh my sweet girl, Ray, you are my everything, my whole entire world, I will never ever leave you baby.. I set up an appointment today with a therapist for today at 5 p.m, I know you don’t think you need to see one, but you do, this is not normal, and I’m very scared.’ Great, a freaking therapist, I had officially become mentally insane.. Fabulous.
‘Ryan, please don’t make me go, I’ll try harder to erase the memory, please. They’ll put me in an Insane Hospital for sure, I can’t go there, please bubba, please’ I was going to start crying again.. I didn’t want to, but I just couldn’t go to an insane hospital. I couldn’t
‘Raylie, you’re going, nothing you say is going to change my mind. I will let them know at the beginning of the appointment, that hospitals are out of the question, because I don’t want you at one either. I just want some professional advice. So, today after school, you & I are going to the appointment, if I have to drag you into the office, I will.’ Ryan said in a tone of voice that told me not to argue with him, and just do as I was told.
I nodded, and he told me to get up, and get ready for school. School. Fan-freaking-tastic. If you ever want to take a trip to hell, Cresson Day School was the place for you. An all-girl private high school. &the uniform was so bland, it made me even more depressed wearing it. Dreading the day, I got in the shower, put my clothes on, and trudged down-stairs to Ryan’s kitchen wear I didn’t want to eat, but was going to be forced to.
‘Ryan, I’m not hungry today, please don’t make me eat, my stomach hurts.’ I knew that my excuse wasn’t going to work, but I went for it anyways.
‘Raylie, we’ve talked about this, you have to eat.’ Another failed attempt at getting out of breakfast.
We didn’t talk much during breakfast. I made a small attempt at convincing him to let me drive my car to school, but he said, as always, that it wasn’t safe for me in the state of mind I was in, (Since I couldn’t control my flashbacks) So we quietly drove to school, and I kept praying that maybe he would change his mind about the therapist.
The day at school was extremely uneventful, it was just another day at Cresson Day. All to quickly the last bell of the day rang, and I groaned as I headed out to Ryan’s car, I just knew he hadn’t changed his mind about going to the therapist, after all he is Ryan Anderson, and when he sets his mind on something, he goes through with it.. Just my luck.
‘How was your day, Ray?’ I don’t know why he always asked me that, my day sucked, just like the day before that, and the day before that.. Because nothing ever freaking changes.
‘What do you think?’ That actually came out a bit ruder than I had planned.
‘Raylie, don’t be getting an attitude, I just hope maybe you’ll have a good day someday, that’s all’ He quietly said, and I instantly felt bad for being rude.
It was about a 45 minute drive to the appointment, and we didn’t say much at all, &when we pulled into a parking spot, I wished that the drive hadn’t ended so quickly. I stalled in my seat for as long as I could before Ryan said
‘Raylie, get out of the car, please don’t make me drag you in, because you & I both know that I will.’ Ughhhh! Here he goes again using that ‘Stern’ voice, that made me fear him. So I did as he said, and got out of the car. I glanced at the brick building, it honestly didn’t look that bad, but you know what they say, ‘Never judge a book by its cover’, I figured it was still going to suck.
The front office wasn’t all that terrible either, just had some chairs, a couple coffee tables, and an all-too friendly front desk lady.
‘Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?’ Creepy voice to go along with her creepy smile.
‘Great, we have an appointment with Sarah Brimer at 5.’ Ryan politely told her.
‘Okay, have a seat and I’ll let her know you’re here.’ More creepy smiles.
Before Ryan & I could even find a seat, a lady came in, wearing a smile, not as creepy as the front-desk lady, but all the happiness in this place was creeping me out.
‘You must be Mr. Anderson! &This must be Raylie, welcome!’ If these people didn’t turn the happiness down a notch, I was probably going to have stroke.
We all followed her to her office, which also wasn’t so bad, and I was extremely glad Ryan went in with me, he could do all the talking.
‘So, Raylie, tell me about yourself.’ Well now I’m definitely feeling insecure, as I hate talking about myself. So, I sat there staring at Ryan, hoping he would break the awkward silence. When he didn’t, I decided I should probably say something.
‘Well, uhm, my name’s Raylie?’ I told you, I’m not very good at talking about myself.
‘Well Raylie telling me your name is a start, how old are you?’ She officially turned the creepy happiness down.
‘I’m 16’ Short and sweet, I told myself.
‘&You’re a junior? At Cresson?’ How the hell did she know that? Creepiness just went back up.
This question and answer shin-dig went on for the next hour, and boy did this lady have a lot of questions, I was extremely grateful when the hour was up, and I basically sprinted too Ryan’s car.
The car ride home was actually a bit quiet, I could tell that Ryan was in his thinking mode, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to interrupt him. The rest of the evening was as uneventful as the car ride home. That night I kept wondering to myself, when I was going to finally get better, I had to eventually right?
The next couple of weeks things starting too look up, I wasn’t have the flashback very often anymore, & Ryan finally let me drive my car, and I got comfortable enough to sleep in my own bed, and I even started hanging out with my friends again. Ryan was thrilled with the progress, but what he didn’t know was that I had turned to drinking, and was well on my way to being addicted to Ecstasy. But, what Ryan doesn’t know won’t kill him, right?
Now, I’m not that smart when it comes to hiding things, & I proved it big time, when I hid my ecstasy stash in my night-stand drawer, where my prescription medicine was, & Ryan needed the date so he could refill them. Needless to say he wasn’t exactly a happy camper when he found my ‘not-so-legal’ medicine.
I knew I was in major trouble when I walked into my room, and saw Ryan sitting there holding the little bag of pills, with a mixed look of disgust, anger, & pain on his face. My stomach immediately dropped when I came across this.
‘Raylie, I am speechless right now.. Ecstasy? Are you kidding me right now? Word’s cannot express how disappointed in you I am.. After mom leaving us, for DRUGS?’ Ryan sounded so hurt, but so angry at the same time.
‘Ryan, it makes me feel better, it makes the nightmare’s stop, isn’t that what you wanted? For me to finally feel better?’ I don’ know where I got the idea to basically blame him, but it was a bad idea, since he jumped up from my bed, and grabbed me by the shoulders.
‘Raylie.. I would NEVER want you to do drugs, there are safer, healthier, LEGAL things’ He was very upset now.. Way to go Raylie.
I didn’t have anything left to say, so I just lowered my head, and just as I did so, Ryan grabbed my arm & walked me over to my bed where he sat down, and started to pull me across his lap, when I realized what he was doing, I immediately pulled away from him.
‘Ryan!! You can’t do this, you’re my brother!’ I was near tears now.
‘Raylie, stop resisting, it will only be worse on you.. Now get over my lap.’ He sure knew how to use that stern voice of his. Even though I didn’t want to I decided to comply with him, and I laid myself across his lap. At this point, I was so nervous, I couldn’t do anything but breathe, and I was actually having trouble with that, Ryan had spanked me a couple of times before, but I hadn’t done anything this bad before, and honestly I was scared for my life at that moment.
The first smack caught me off guard, and it was a lot harder than I ever remember, I guess big bro wasn’t holding back at all.
He got a nice pattern going, or should I say ‘Painful’ pattern, he was spanking so hard, that each one knocked the breathe out of me, & before I knew it, the pain was completely unbearable, and I starting struggling, he tightened his grip around my waist but I just tried harder.
‘RAYLIE!!!!! STOP!’ Ryan had never yelled at me like that before. I tried my hardest to just take the punishment, but it hurt so bad, & before I knew it, I was reaching back to block him from spanking me. My effort’s were useless, because he just grabbed my wrist, and pinned it against my back.
Suddenly I could feel him sliding my volleyball shorts down, and I began crying freely. It had hurt so bad with my shorts (But they’re spandex, it’s not like it’s much protection) I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to take it. I jammed my eye’s shut and waited for the first spank, and when it didn’t come immediately, I opened my eyes, and that’s when he gave me the first one, and he was no longer using his hand. I used all of my strength, and managed to halfway roll myself off his lap, but his reflexes are faster than mine, and he rolled me back into position.
‘Raylie.. You are only making it worse on yourself, you may as well stop fighting with me, because we can stay in this position all night if that’s what it takes, little one.’ & With that he spread his knees, and put his right leg over the back off my legs. I felt so helpless, embarrassed, and little in this position.
All of a sudden the tears started flowing freely from my eyes, and I lost all my will to fight with my brother. I don’t know what broke inside me, but I finally just broke, and I laid there and just took the spanking.
My brother stopped spanking me, moment’s after I broke, he was just waiting for me to break. I could feel him rubbing my back, and whispering encouraging words, and I just laid there, a sobbing wreck. We stayed like that for about ten minutes, when he lifted me up, and turned me to look at him.
‘Ray, I love you, so much baby girl. You mean everything to me, but you won’t do drugs.. EVER. I won’t let you end up like mom. &I will spank you every single day to make sure of it.’ How could I hurt my brother so much, he was here for me, when nobody else was.
‘I’m sorry Ryan, I love you.. I’m so sorry brother.’ I just sobbed the words out, and he captured me in a hug, that lasted for the longest time.
I’m a pretty lucky girl, I have the greatest older brother, that God ever gave anybody. :)
I woke up gasping for air in a cold-sweat, when I realized I was in Ryan’s bed, and it was 5 in the morning. When reality finally sank in, I began sobbing uncontrollably. This had happened to me nearly every night after the wreck, which was over 2 years ago. The wreck which caused me to have surgery on my lower back, and my ankle, the wreck which killed my dad, the wreck that destroyed every bit of my happiness, the wreck that tore my family apart.
Before I realized it, Ryan was awake and rocking me back & forth, stroking my hair, & calmly telling me how much he loved me, & that it was going to be okay.
‘Ryan, I miss him so much..’ I sobbed out into his chest.
‘Raylie, baby, I know, let it all out baby sister, I’ve got you, I won’t let you go’ Ryan was the most-caring older brother ever. He let me live with him, after mom got so depressed that she turned away from her kids, and turned to drugs & alcohol. He sacrificed a lot for me, and I couldn’t even let him have one full night of sleep, as far as I was concerned I was the worst little sister ever.
I cried into his chest for what felt like hours, but I must have fallen asleep, because before I knew it, I was waking up to the alarm clock. Ryan was still awake, because he came into the room to turn it off. It was 7 a.m which meant I had to yet again face another torturous, painful day, without my daddy or my mom.
‘Raylie, Sis, I need to know that you’re gonna eventually be okay, I know you tell me that with time you’ll heal, but baby it’s been 2 years & I think you’re worse off now than ever before.’ Ryan sounded like he was fixing to break down himself, and cry. I hated knowing I worried him so much.
‘Ryan, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t keep the night from replaying in my mind, I don’t wanna think about it or dream about it anymore, but I can’t make it stop, It haunts me, every second of everyday, bubba please don’t give up on me, please don’t leave me.’ My biggest fear in life was that Ryan was going to leave me. My dad left me, then a couple months my mom left me, and Ryan was all I had left. I know my dad never meant to leave me, but It still hurt. My mom didn’t mean to leave me either, but she was in a worse pain than I was, and she just couldn’t handle it anymore. Although I knew Ryan would never leave me, the fear nagged me all the time.
‘Oh my sweet girl, Ray, you are my everything, my whole entire world, I will never ever leave you baby.. I set up an appointment today with a therapist for today at 5 p.m, I know you don’t think you need to see one, but you do, this is not normal, and I’m very scared.’ Great, a freaking therapist, I had officially become mentally insane.. Fabulous.
‘Ryan, please don’t make me go, I’ll try harder to erase the memory, please. They’ll put me in an Insane Hospital for sure, I can’t go there, please bubba, please’ I was going to start crying again.. I didn’t want to, but I just couldn’t go to an insane hospital. I couldn’t
‘Raylie, you’re going, nothing you say is going to change my mind. I will let them know at the beginning of the appointment, that hospitals are out of the question, because I don’t want you at one either. I just want some professional advice. So, today after school, you & I are going to the appointment, if I have to drag you into the office, I will.’ Ryan said in a tone of voice that told me not to argue with him, and just do as I was told.
I nodded, and he told me to get up, and get ready for school. School. Fan-freaking-tastic. If you ever want to take a trip to hell, Cresson Day School was the place for you. An all-girl private high school. &the uniform was so bland, it made me even more depressed wearing it. Dreading the day, I got in the shower, put my clothes on, and trudged down-stairs to Ryan’s kitchen wear I didn’t want to eat, but was going to be forced to.
‘Ryan, I’m not hungry today, please don’t make me eat, my stomach hurts.’ I knew that my excuse wasn’t going to work, but I went for it anyways.
‘Raylie, we’ve talked about this, you have to eat.’ Another failed attempt at getting out of breakfast.
We didn’t talk much during breakfast. I made a small attempt at convincing him to let me drive my car to school, but he said, as always, that it wasn’t safe for me in the state of mind I was in, (Since I couldn’t control my flashbacks) So we quietly drove to school, and I kept praying that maybe he would change his mind about the therapist.
The day at school was extremely uneventful, it was just another day at Cresson Day. All to quickly the last bell of the day rang, and I groaned as I headed out to Ryan’s car, I just knew he hadn’t changed his mind about going to the therapist, after all he is Ryan Anderson, and when he sets his mind on something, he goes through with it.. Just my luck.
‘How was your day, Ray?’ I don’t know why he always asked me that, my day sucked, just like the day before that, and the day before that.. Because nothing ever freaking changes.
‘What do you think?’ That actually came out a bit ruder than I had planned.
‘Raylie, don’t be getting an attitude, I just hope maybe you’ll have a good day someday, that’s all’ He quietly said, and I instantly felt bad for being rude.
It was about a 45 minute drive to the appointment, and we didn’t say much at all, &when we pulled into a parking spot, I wished that the drive hadn’t ended so quickly. I stalled in my seat for as long as I could before Ryan said
‘Raylie, get out of the car, please don’t make me drag you in, because you & I both know that I will.’ Ughhhh! Here he goes again using that ‘Stern’ voice, that made me fear him. So I did as he said, and got out of the car. I glanced at the brick building, it honestly didn’t look that bad, but you know what they say, ‘Never judge a book by its cover’, I figured it was still going to suck.
The front office wasn’t all that terrible either, just had some chairs, a couple coffee tables, and an all-too friendly front desk lady.
‘Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?’ Creepy voice to go along with her creepy smile.
‘Great, we have an appointment with Sarah Brimer at 5.’ Ryan politely told her.
‘Okay, have a seat and I’ll let her know you’re here.’ More creepy smiles.
Before Ryan & I could even find a seat, a lady came in, wearing a smile, not as creepy as the front-desk lady, but all the happiness in this place was creeping me out.
‘You must be Mr. Anderson! &This must be Raylie, welcome!’ If these people didn’t turn the happiness down a notch, I was probably going to have stroke.
We all followed her to her office, which also wasn’t so bad, and I was extremely glad Ryan went in with me, he could do all the talking.
‘So, Raylie, tell me about yourself.’ Well now I’m definitely feeling insecure, as I hate talking about myself. So, I sat there staring at Ryan, hoping he would break the awkward silence. When he didn’t, I decided I should probably say something.
‘Well, uhm, my name’s Raylie?’ I told you, I’m not very good at talking about myself.
‘Well Raylie telling me your name is a start, how old are you?’ She officially turned the creepy happiness down.
‘I’m 16’ Short and sweet, I told myself.
‘&You’re a junior? At Cresson?’ How the hell did she know that? Creepiness just went back up.
This question and answer shin-dig went on for the next hour, and boy did this lady have a lot of questions, I was extremely grateful when the hour was up, and I basically sprinted too Ryan’s car.
The car ride home was actually a bit quiet, I could tell that Ryan was in his thinking mode, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to interrupt him. The rest of the evening was as uneventful as the car ride home. That night I kept wondering to myself, when I was going to finally get better, I had to eventually right?
The next couple of weeks things starting too look up, I wasn’t have the flashback very often anymore, & Ryan finally let me drive my car, and I got comfortable enough to sleep in my own bed, and I even started hanging out with my friends again. Ryan was thrilled with the progress, but what he didn’t know was that I had turned to drinking, and was well on my way to being addicted to Ecstasy. But, what Ryan doesn’t know won’t kill him, right?
Now, I’m not that smart when it comes to hiding things, & I proved it big time, when I hid my ecstasy stash in my night-stand drawer, where my prescription medicine was, & Ryan needed the date so he could refill them. Needless to say he wasn’t exactly a happy camper when he found my ‘not-so-legal’ medicine.
I knew I was in major trouble when I walked into my room, and saw Ryan sitting there holding the little bag of pills, with a mixed look of disgust, anger, & pain on his face. My stomach immediately dropped when I came across this.
‘Raylie, I am speechless right now.. Ecstasy? Are you kidding me right now? Word’s cannot express how disappointed in you I am.. After mom leaving us, for DRUGS?’ Ryan sounded so hurt, but so angry at the same time.
‘Ryan, it makes me feel better, it makes the nightmare’s stop, isn’t that what you wanted? For me to finally feel better?’ I don’ know where I got the idea to basically blame him, but it was a bad idea, since he jumped up from my bed, and grabbed me by the shoulders.
‘Raylie.. I would NEVER want you to do drugs, there are safer, healthier, LEGAL things’ He was very upset now.. Way to go Raylie.
I didn’t have anything left to say, so I just lowered my head, and just as I did so, Ryan grabbed my arm & walked me over to my bed where he sat down, and started to pull me across his lap, when I realized what he was doing, I immediately pulled away from him.
‘Ryan!! You can’t do this, you’re my brother!’ I was near tears now.
‘Raylie, stop resisting, it will only be worse on you.. Now get over my lap.’ He sure knew how to use that stern voice of his. Even though I didn’t want to I decided to comply with him, and I laid myself across his lap. At this point, I was so nervous, I couldn’t do anything but breathe, and I was actually having trouble with that, Ryan had spanked me a couple of times before, but I hadn’t done anything this bad before, and honestly I was scared for my life at that moment.
The first smack caught me off guard, and it was a lot harder than I ever remember, I guess big bro wasn’t holding back at all.
He got a nice pattern going, or should I say ‘Painful’ pattern, he was spanking so hard, that each one knocked the breathe out of me, & before I knew it, the pain was completely unbearable, and I starting struggling, he tightened his grip around my waist but I just tried harder.
‘RAYLIE!!!!! STOP!’ Ryan had never yelled at me like that before. I tried my hardest to just take the punishment, but it hurt so bad, & before I knew it, I was reaching back to block him from spanking me. My effort’s were useless, because he just grabbed my wrist, and pinned it against my back.
Suddenly I could feel him sliding my volleyball shorts down, and I began crying freely. It had hurt so bad with my shorts (But they’re spandex, it’s not like it’s much protection) I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to take it. I jammed my eye’s shut and waited for the first spank, and when it didn’t come immediately, I opened my eyes, and that’s when he gave me the first one, and he was no longer using his hand. I used all of my strength, and managed to halfway roll myself off his lap, but his reflexes are faster than mine, and he rolled me back into position.
‘Raylie.. You are only making it worse on yourself, you may as well stop fighting with me, because we can stay in this position all night if that’s what it takes, little one.’ & With that he spread his knees, and put his right leg over the back off my legs. I felt so helpless, embarrassed, and little in this position.
All of a sudden the tears started flowing freely from my eyes, and I lost all my will to fight with my brother. I don’t know what broke inside me, but I finally just broke, and I laid there and just took the spanking.
My brother stopped spanking me, moment’s after I broke, he was just waiting for me to break. I could feel him rubbing my back, and whispering encouraging words, and I just laid there, a sobbing wreck. We stayed like that for about ten minutes, when he lifted me up, and turned me to look at him.
‘Ray, I love you, so much baby girl. You mean everything to me, but you won’t do drugs.. EVER. I won’t let you end up like mom. &I will spank you every single day to make sure of it.’ How could I hurt my brother so much, he was here for me, when nobody else was.
‘I’m sorry Ryan, I love you.. I’m so sorry brother.’ I just sobbed the words out, and he captured me in a hug, that lasted for the longest time.
I’m a pretty lucky girl, I have the greatest older brother, that God ever gave anybody. :)
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